Playin' With the Phone Lines
by Sir Miles
Summary: A humorous look at our favorite Final Fantasy characters as they explore the exciting world of telephones.


Playin' With the Phone Lines  
  
(ring)  
Operator: Hello?  
Cloud: Have you seen a man in a black cape?  
Operator: Excuse me?  
Cloud: Sephiroth. I'm looking for Sephiroth.  
Operator: This is an informational number, not a missing-persons line!  
Cloud: I need to find Sephiroth!!!  
Operator: I'm sorry.  
(click)  
  
(ring)  
A Woman: Hello?  
Yuffie: (Tifa and Aeris are heard giggling in the background) Umm…is…Zedekiah there?  
A Woman: I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number.  
Yuffie: (more giggling) Oh. Well, is…Edwardia there, then?  
A Woman: No…  
Yuffie: (Aeris heard in background: Ask if her refrigerator is running!--more giggling)  
  
(beep, beep, beep beep, beep, beeeeeep--Red XIII punches numbers on the phone)  
Woman's Voice: We are sorry, you must first dial a one or zero when calling this number. Please hang up,   
and try your call again…  
(beep, beeeeeeep, bee-beep)  
Woman's Voice: We're sorry, your local dialing pattern has changed. Please dial your area code number   
first…  
(beep, beep, beep, beeeep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep…beep)  
Woman's Voice: The party you dialed is not answering. If you would like to attempt to deliver a message,   
press 1…  
  
(ring)  
Operator: Hello?  
Cloud: Where…is…Sephiroth?  
Operator: Oh, no! Not you again!  
Cloud: I must find Sephiroth, or the Planet will be destroyed!  
Operator: Yes, that is very nice…  
Cloud: Let me explain.  
Operator: No than- (Cloud interrupts and begins to tell the WHOLE story…)  
  
(the phone is picked up before it rings)  
Woman at Psychic Hotline: Hummmmm…welcome, Troubled One. I sense a deep disturbance within   
you…hummmm…  
Vincent: … … …  
Woman at Psychic Hotline: Hummmmmm…so, you have no wish to speak…well, perhaps I may still be   
able to help you…  
Vincent: … … …Tell me about Lucrecia.  
Woman at Psychic Hotline: Hummm…I sense that you feel deeply about Lucrecia…hummmmm…The   
name Lucrecia is synonymous with many problems in your life…ummmmmmmmmmmm…  
Vincent: … … …Listen, lady. I don't think you really know what you are talking about. You seem to   
have some serious problems yourself. Let me help you. Just sit back and relax…  
  
(ring)  
A Man: This is the Home Shopping Network. How may we help you?  
Cait Sith: I would like to purchase two banana peelers, and a set of mahogany toy soldiers.  
A Man: Anything else with that, sir?  
Cait Sith: Yes, I also want three of those ballerina figurine thingeys, and that hamburger flattener…oh, and   
does that come with a free hamburger like on the commercial?  
A Man: No, sir. Is that all?  
Cait Sith: No. I want three jumbo beach balls, four voice-activated, scent-releasing notepads, a Wal-Mart   
shopping cart, and a bar of lead-in a sealed container, please.  
(sounds of man writing furiously)  
A Man: Is that all you want, sir?  
Cait Sith: No!…Oh, wait, yes. (man sighs in obvious relief)  
A Man: Hold on a moment while I get your total…  
Cait Sith: (to himself) I hope Cloud doesn't get too mad that I'm spending all his money…  
  
(ring)  
A Small Boy: Hewo?  
Yuffie: Is your nose running? Then you'd better go catch it!!  
A Small Boy: (starts to cry) That's not funny!…waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!  
(Tifa heard in background: Oh, you made him cry, Yuffie! Here, let me have the phone!) Hello? There,   
there. Don't cry now. What's your name?  
A Small Boy: (sniffling) Eddie…  
Tifa: Well, Eddie, how about this. If you promise not to cry, then I'll tell you a story, okay?  
Eddie: O-okay.  
Tifa: Let's see…All right, I've got it. Once upon a time, there was a little chocobo named Bud, and…  
  
(a PBS newscaster, speaking on television)  
Newscaster: Well, we've had quite a time here so far, folks, but we haven't reached the $100,000 mark.   
Don't be afraid to call in and donate money here on PBS. If you call now and donate just $1, 000,   
you will receive this complimentary bag of newly sharpened pencils and a week's supply of Turtle   
Wax, but that's only if you call right now! Now, let's go to the phone lines…Hello?  
Barret: WHADDA YA THINK YOU'RE DOIN'? YOU'RE GONNA DESTROY THE PLANET!!!   
DON'T YA KNOW THAT SHINRA USES MAKO TO PRODUCE THAT TURTLE WAX?  
Newscaster: (shocked, and more than a little scared) Um, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.   
Mako? Shinra? Our Turtle Wax is made by the experts at Drydll Software. (Turns to smile at the   
audience) It is handled with love and care, so every can is made to perfection. And, you can--  
Barret: I DON' CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID WAX!!!!! (gunshots are heard through the phone) I'M  
GONNA BLOW IT ALL UP!!! SHINRA!! THE REACTORS!! EVERYTHING!!!!  
Newscaster: Um…(swallows nervously)…police?…  
  
Vincent: …so it's really not all that bad, if you think about it. I mean, he could have left you because of   
something you did. Really, you should feel proud that he regarded you so highly, not to   
disappoint you.  
Woman at Psychic Hotline: Hmmm. Maybe you're right. You know, you're really good at this! Much   
better than my old psychiatrist. He was a little crazy himself.  
Vincent: I've had a lot of time to lay around and think…  
  
(ring)  
Cid: Yo?  
Jeanna: Hi!!!! This is Jeanna from United Services and we're conducting a survey about the rate of baby   
clothes wear in average homes located on corners in suburban areas. Does your home fit this   
description?  
Cid: What?!  
Jeanna: Do you generally drink coffee in the morning, evening, at midday, during waits, at work, at odd   
hours during the night, or never?  
Cid: Um…  
Jeanna: On a scale of one to one hundred, one being the worst, and one hundred being the best, how would   
you rate your great-grandmother in the areas of: tap dancing, cooking, socializing, liquid   
consumption, driving a car, driving a go-kart, driving a golf cart, driving a truck, driving a bus,   
and diving while intoxicated? Remember: round to four decimal places in you answer!!  
Cid: Hold on a sec…(rips phone out of the wall)  
  
Cloud: …and that's how it is. Now you see why I have to find Sephiroth. If we don't stop him, everything   
will die!  
Operator: (long past the end of her patience) No, frankly I don't see! Your bill for this phone call is   
$387.27. It will be mailed to you. Good day.  
Cloud: Wait! What's the exchange ratio of dollars to gil? And where is Sephiroth?  
(click)  
  
(Reno, Rude, Rufus, Elena, and Tseng are talking near a table with a phone on it)  
(ring)  
Elena: Um, the phone is ringing…  
Tseng: So answer it!  
Elena: Yes sir! (She picks up the phone, and is sucked out of the Matrix) 


End file.
